A little bit more

I need to lose 5 more pounds.

Aargh, why can’t I perfect the winged eyeliner?

Size 6, I am just too big. I wish I was a size 4.

She is so tall. She is perfect. When will I learn to wear the heels?

A little more bronzer. A little more highlighter.

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The list never ends. Rants go on. From ourselves to our self. We are never happy. That level of perfection. That photo shopped model on the magazine who has a perfect waist, a waif body, the perfect long hands,with the perfect manicured nails, and the perfectly blow dried hair.Even her toe-nails are so perfect.

Here is a small summary of what I try to do.

I weigh myself everyday in the morning.As its the perfect time to measure body weight. After every meal I have, after every visit I make to the bathroom, I keep on weighing as my weight fluctuates. I also have an inch-tape. To measure my wrist,arm,waist,neck,hips because I need to calculate my body fat percentage. The forever ongoing battle with the weighing scale.

I can’t skip a meal. That would affect my metabolism. 2 or 3 meals a day with Intermittent fasting carefully scheduled sometimes. I have to take care that my meal has sufficient nutrients. Just the perfect amount of fat, protein and carbs.

No excess carbs, no refined sugar, no refined white flour. No Aspartame. No this no that. I count calories. My FitBit motivates me to move. I google glycemic index of foods before consumption.

Sounds crazy and overwhelming right?

Is there an end to this? May be not. But I am perfectly fine with it.

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My obsession with myself lies perfectly on the brim where on one side lies extreme neglect for myself,hogging on all the food I want. And on the other side is bulimia, starvation, a desire to start smoking to suppress hunger. Just on the brim, where I have to walk tip-toed balancing my work life, relationships and health of course. Recognising the right boundaries is very important. I don’t want to hate myself.I just need to be aware of my lifestyle and my regular habits. I know I can’t be that magazine perfect woman. Even after professional airbrushing and Photoshop.I just desire to be perfect version of myself.

Body shaming is a new term. And I don’t find much logic in it. Exceptions are medical conditions obviously, but I would like to be told and informed if I am not taking care of myself. I may to be too thin or too fat and a friend or a well wisher can frankly tell me to take better care of myself.

kate moss

Self love and self criticism both are equally important. Its important to be aware of the fact that I cannot be like another person who I perceive to be perfect and also that I can work towards a better version of myself without harming myself. Balance is the key.

P.S. I worship Adriana Lima.

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